Confused?

Confession: I am a People Pleaser.

I once thought I didn't worry about what people thought of me. I sometimes feared I leaned too far the other direction, valuing my independence and stating what I thought without concern of offending others.

I was homeschooled in the mid-80's - an unheard of educational option, and I was accustomed to being unusual. When I was nineteen I spent a couple months in a southern city and walked to a huge church on Sundays where I was the only woman wearing a head covering. I didn't mind being in unfamiliar situations and sticking out. That was a good trait when I started dating Ed and ended up in a Mennonite community where I knew nearly no one.

But maybe in the passing years I've become more concerned with others' opinions.

I've struggled with blogging the past months. I can think of topics to write about, but become paralyzed with wondering what readers will think. If I write about cancer am I being too self-focused? I never wanted to be a navel gazer. My goal for my blog has always been to be helpful to my readers. Endless litany of our cancer journey feels like gagging on yesterday's meatloaf.

And then there is the worry that someone will disagree with the medical choices we make. Cancer treatment is a much debated topic. I enjoy a good face-to-face discussion with friends, but I want this blog to be a happy place not a heated debate.

Maybe I should just share one of the many book lists I've compiled. Or chat about homeschooling. Or pictures of planting my garden. But when my husband has a terminal disease it is okay to write about something so mundane as pictures books? If I write on other topics, does it look like I'm ignoring the elephant in the room?

It has been a year since I shared a recipe, which once was the majority of my posts. I have new bread recipes I could share, but I don't feel like writing about bread when Ed can't even eat my bread anymore. But writing about the keto food I'm making for Ed will only interest very few of my readers.

So my mind goes in circles. It is ridiculous. Pathetic. Bordering on bizarre. I'm way over thinking. You all are very kind and, really, what does it matter what a random reader thinks about what I write?I can't please everyone. I can't even figure out how to write to please myself.

It is not a bad thing to evaluate my words and decide whether they are edifying. I need to delete words that I know will offend. But the Bible says that the fear of man brings a snare. I think I've been caught in it the past months.

So now you know, when I'm quiet it may be that I'm busy. It may be that I don't feel like writing. It may be that I don't know how to write what I'm thinking. But if I share a booklist or a recipe, it doesn't mean that cancer isn't heavy on my heart, it just means I want to talk about something else.

And now I think that this whole post is so self-centered that I should delete the whole thing. But a friend asked once for me to share what it means to live with cancer. I suppose this whole convoluted post is one answer, a view into the mind of one confused writer.

So the short answer (if you've managed to read this far) since I do want to be helpful and have a point to this post...If you have a friend who is going through a rough place, and you think they should act in a certain way, or grieve in a certain way, or write blog posts in a certain way - and they don't. Be patient with them.

We might talk about planting green beans just to have something normal in our upside-down life. We might talk about green beans hoping that you'll ask about cancer. We might talk about green beans because we think you want to talk about green beans and we are trying to please you. We might not know what we want to talk (or write) about.

But we are very grateful for your friendship on our mixed-ups days. Thank you.