Friday, April 12, 2019

Unmeasured

Last week was intense. For three days Ed had chemo infusion which meant leaving early to get to the clinic. Once there we had a few relaxing hours while Ed had the infusion. I brought my laptop and caught up with email and placed my orders for next year's school curriculum. Only a mom of six would consider sitting in a doctor's office as a peaceful break.

Since Ed's brain tumor is so aggressive, chemo probably won't do more than slow its growth - if that. I was worried that the chemo would make Ed sick with little benefit. But Ed felt great all week and was never nauseous.


At the end of the week, I spent parts of two days at a writers' conference. The workshops were wonderful, but I enjoyed the social interaction even more. Writers often tend to be introverted loners, but, get a whole group of them together, and the room was full of crackling passion. I loved meeting some of you that I've only known through email. 

I may have enjoyed it even more since I didn't know if I would be able to attend this year. I'm so grateful for my family who made it possible. But I doubt I'll leave that long again. Ed continues to decline, but I'm used to caring for him. We are learning the things that make it easier to function, even if it is hard to admit they are needed. Today we got a wheelchair. His left leg is dragging more making it harder to walk. We also stopped physical therapy. Though it feels like we are giving up, we need to face reality. 

Ed would tell you that he feels well; he has no pain or headaches. He talks very little, but enjoys visitors. In many ways he is childlike, agreeably doing what he is told, though on rare occasions acting like a stubborn two-year-old. To be honest Ed and I have less conflict now than a few months ago when I'd get frustrated when it seemed like he wouldn't try harder. I know, I wasn't being reasonable, and I'm not proud of my attitude. Now his limitations are more obvious. 


This week we've had no appointments, and we spent several afternoons enjoying the spring weather and cleaning up the yard. I thank God for my little girls who cuddle baby kittens, give wonderful hugs, and help keep me sane.


I might be crazy for planting a garden, but last year I found pulling weeds was therapeutic after a doctor appointment. I figured I might need the relief this year too.


Since we had a break in the rain, Ed's nephew tilled the garden and the children helped plant onions, sugar peas, potatoes, and broccoli.

Spring is a reminder that life continues. God doesn't change despite my current circumstances. He is still in control of the earth's rotation, and He'll continue to carry us in His vast, unmeasured love.

O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus
by Samuel T. Francis
Hymns of the Church #291

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, nevermore!
How He watches o'er His loved ones, died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth, watcheth o'er them from the throne!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, love of every love the best!
'Tis an ocean vast of blessing, 'tis a haven sweet of rest!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus, 'tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee!

28 comments :

  1. Bonnie BurkholderApril 12, 2019 at 4:01 PM

    Gina, we continue to lift you and your precious family up to Our heavenly Father, who knows your needs every moment. "He will carry you"... Hugs!!

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  2. At a time of particular pain and confusion, Psalm 11:4a was shared with me.The Lord used the words "The Lord is in his holy temple, the Lord's throne is in heaven" to bring stability and comfort. Your last paragraph reminded me of this verse and how very reassuring His words are. Praying for your family.

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  3. Oh, I can totally relate to your comment about sitting in the doctor's office as relaxing! I have often gone with my husband while he gets chemo and have taken many projects along to work on! We have three daughters that we homeschool so it is a break. Thank you for sharing your journey and thoughts...so often I can relate. We have been on this journey for over three years. This week my husband received an improved scan result but the journey continues. The Lord continues to be faithful. His mercies are new every morning. Our prayers continue to be with you and your family! May the Lord be ever near!
    Sara

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  4. Oh, I LOVE that hymn! I will sing it for you all as you come to my mind. Your garden and your precious children are beautiful.

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  5. Gina, I have read your blog for years now, but this is the first time I'm leaving a comment. I'm praying for you and your family that you may find comfort in knowing that God never abandons us- no matter how difficult life can be. May the Lord bring you and your family peace.

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  6. I don't know how best to pray for you and your family, but you and Ed are a burden I bring- wordless and aching- to God. I think of the agony of Jesus in the garden and the mercy of His Father in sending angels to minister to Him in His greatest trial... He's still the same; you are not alone.

    p.s. Your daughters are beautiful.

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  7. Gina, what a difficult time for you all to see Ed go downhill. Big hugs and I pray that the Lord will comfort you as only He can. I am continuing to pray for your family.

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  8. the warmfireplaceApril 13, 2019 at 8:29 AM

    keeping you all close in prayer, my garden and land are a continuous source of comfort and distraction, being in Gods creation. Sue x

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  9. Praying for you and your family.
    love to you from England.

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  10. Hi Gina,
    I've only recently discovered your beautiful blog and I haven't yet commented on a post. But I wanted to break my silence to tell you how much I admire you and your beautiful family. I'm so sorry that you are facing such trials, but you are doing so with courage, strength, live and dignity. I am as sure of this as I am of anything: God is watching you with pride in you as an example of his creation.

    I will keep you, Ed and your lovely children in my thoughts and prayers.

    Heloise



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  11. Praying for your family.
    Diana

    P.S. Your daughters are absolutely adorable!

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  12. Praying for you all, Gina! I'm so sorry this is your reality, but I am also inspired to see how God's grace is being poured out on you in time of need.

    Mary Beth Martin

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  13. Gina dear one please know I'm praying for you all. I really love that hymn and it is such a comfort to know He loves us so much.

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  14. It was such a blessing to meet you in person at WAC, and see how you keep bravely toiling on and reaching out to others when your old life is in shambles! May God bless you richly today and every moment -- His love is so deep. Praying!

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  15. Gina, I really enjoyed meeting you at CLP Writer's and Artist's Conference. It was nice to see the face behind the blog! :) Continuing to pray for Ed and your family as you walk through this valley.

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  16. Continually praying for your family. May God's shield of peace, strength & grace encompass all of you through these trying times. His blessings to you all.

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  17. Gina, this post brought tears to my eyes. So many memories of the journey traveled with a friend who had a brain tumor. And another friend who recently lost her husband to a brain tumor. I know you and Ed, as well as your family are surrounded by people being the hands and feet of Jesus. And many more people who are praying for your family in this journey. Stand strong - but allow yourself to be served. And most important, rest in the everlasting arms.

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  18. Oh, Gina! I'm so glad you're planting a bit of garden. I know how much working in the warm soil is soothing to you, and don't regret it for a minute, friend. I'm so thankful you had warm spring weather and a week at home to enjoy precious time together. We're continuing to pray...for God's grace to carry you through each moment of each day. Randy & Eunice

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  19. Dear Gina,

    I am so sorry to read that your husband's condition continues to decline. I praise the Lord for the gentleness and kindness that show in Ed's smile and in his eyes despite what he is going through. And his love and enjoyment of his family are still evident. While it is sad to think of what the tumor has changed for all of you, it's comforting to see what it hasn't changed about him and the love you all share.

    May the Lord give your family sweet times of enjoyment together and everything you need.

    Laura
    "Great peace have they which love Thy law: and nothing shall offend them." Psalm 119:165

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  20. Gina. . .know that you are lifted on the wings of prayer. As well, thank you for your honest words on dealing with frustration; it is a consolation to know this battle is not unique to me ;). May God continue to bless you with a peace that passes all understanding.

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  21. praying for you and your family!

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  22. Dear Gina,
    praying for you all, and sending hugs
    blessings
    shelley p
    from over the pond

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  23. Praying daily for you and your family. May the Lord be the Anchor of your soul as you continue walking through this deep valley.
    I, too, am delighted to see that you are planting a garden.

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  24. I continue to think of your family and pray for you often. Thank you for sharing your story. Our family went through a time of deep pain and loss a few years ago. During that time, I understood and embraced the love of Christ in a new way. Although I never would have chosen to endure that season and those events, knowing that Jesus willingly suffered on our behalf out of love and compassion was precious and encouraging to me. May you also continue turning toward His love, as this hymn so wonderfully describes.

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