It Is Not Fair

In July we will celebrate our fifteenth wedding anniversary. A few months ago I started brainstorming some cute ideas for a family photo shoot to celebrate the occasion.

But in May, on the day that we scheduled Ed's brain surgery, I realized that our July wasn't going to be normal. With images of shaved head, surgery scars, and chemo hair loss, I asked my friend Regina if she would come take our family photo the next day.

So the above photo was taken the day before Mother's Day, three days before Ed's surgery. Ed was feeling horrible, but willingly put on his best smile. I skipped any ideas of creative shots and was pleased with one pose on our house steps.

This week Ed and I were discussing how to celebrate our anniversary. Ed is still feeling very well and able to work but, since the date is toward the end of Ed's six weeks of treatments, most likely he will not feel as well. It is hard to imagine any fun way to celebrate when you are on a extreme diet and don't have energy.

Ed and I have always said that it is good we don't hold too much stock in how special dates are celebrated. On our first Valentines, Ed caught a terrible stomach bug. We've had anniversaries at unromantic occasions such as a funeral or a church conference. Other times I've been in early pregnancy without the energy for celebrating. Ed and I have always said that it is far more important how the rest of the year is spent than one day of our anniversary. I'll take 364 great days than one spectacular day in a mediocre year.

But even knowing that, thinking of our anniversary triggered a real pity party this week. I counted all the ways it was not fair that we can't even have the pleasure of looking forward to this anniversary when our years together are probably very limited.

I know, it is part of the grieving process, and there is nothing wrong with recognizing loss. But the next morning I could see clearly to recognize other truths that are also not fair.

It is not fair that I have enjoyed fifteen years of a joy-filled marriage when so many experience a marriage that brings them nothing but sorrow.

It is not fair that I live in a time in history and a place on the planet that allows access to medical advancements. So many in the world lack even  basic health care. Without brain surgery, Ed may not be alive today, and certainly he would not be able to communicate.

It is not fair that of all the religions in the world, I was taught from the Bible about the one true God who brings peace to our relationships here today and gives hope in the life to come.

I am blessed.