Three years is a short time.
Three years is a long time.
It is long enough that my six-year-old doesn't remember her daddy.
It is long enough that Ed's voice is dim in my own memory.
May has been so crazy busy that I didn't spend a lot of time contemplating the last three years, but memories drizzle in.
I've been reading The Lazy Genius Kitchen by Kendra Adachi which is more of a figure-out-your priorities book than a cookbook. She constantly asks, "What matters most?" Do I value ease, or simplicity, or low cost, or variety?
It wasn't a very big jump from thinking "what matters most?" in my kitchen and menus to life and relationships and future plans.
And it is made me think back to past decisions, specifically Ed's choices.
Ed wasn't perfect, though it is easy to remember only the best. But when I think about Ed and how he faced cancer and death, there is one song that comes immediately to mind.
Those of you that have read here for a while know that Ed enjoyed hymns and I've shared quite a few with you.
You can find all the posts where I shared hymns here.
But in the last sermon he preached, he shared the words to the praise song, "Blessed Be Your Name."
The words were ones that he lived, but I've struggled to sing these words from the heart. Three years later, I'm not sure I'm any closer to singing some of the verses. As the song states, it is a heart choice. This song is based on Job 1:21 and though I'm not in the category of Job's wife, who suggested Job curse God and die, I don't always have Job's response. This is a song that requires hands open and raised.
And possibly tears.
Oh, Gina, what a beautiful tribute of memory to your dear Ed, and the way he bravely lived each day with his cancer diagnosis.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful version of this song, it can be very difficult to sing with meaning. Thinking of you today!
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, precious sister. I can identify with some of your feelings, as I lost my little boy to a brain tumor at the age of 7. It is still hard and I still cry sometimes even 22 years later. Please be kind and gentle to yourself!
ReplyDeleteGina, did you know that Matt Redman and his wife have written a book about this song and why Matt wrote it? You might find it interesting.
ReplyDeleteI love this song but after I had my miscarriages many years ago we sang it on a Sunday right after I had my first one. It took about a year for me to sing it without wanting to cry. God is good even when things go wrong. Blessed be His name.
ReplyDeleteI once had an acquaintance / friend who died from ALS as a young mother. She showed me how to die well. Thank you for giving me glimpses of what is to be the one who must learn to live well.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Gina. It's so sad that your youngest doesn't remember her daddy...
ReplyDeleteThis song meant a lot to me a year ago when I was losing something dear to me, and now in a new season of loss and yet joy and new dreams...I sing it again and know that I will bless His name.
Somehow I had missed this post. What can I even say? Here's a hug, Gina. I packed it full of love.
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