My Jesus, As Thou Wilt

I know that I have shared a lot of hymns in the past few months, but sometimes my own words are inadequate.

Last May, a few days after Ed's brain surgery, our friend Jess and her parents came to visit us. Jess was so encouraging as she shared her experience with a benign brain tumor eight years ago. We were able to ask questions about her surgery and treatment. But, as any friend of Jess knows, just her presence was an inspiration.

A few months later, Jess was at our church on a Sunday morning. She planned to travel with some friends to share in a singing program after church. But part way through the service, Jess walked out. Her confusion caused her brother to take her to the hospital where she learned the monster was back. Her brain held many inoperable tumors which were diagnosed as glioblastoma, the same kind of aggressive brain cancer Ed has.

Jess was only 25 years old, but she had impacted our church in a huge way as nearly every family in our church has at least one child who had been a student in Jess' second grade classroom. I don't think I exaggerate to say that everyone loved Jess. She added so much joy to so many lives. The last months have been difficult as we watched Jess decline quickly. And, on Tuesday, Jess left her earthly body and the pain of this earth for her "inheritance incorruptible."

With Ed, Jess, and some other circumstances, our church has had a challenging year. Our faith in God has been tested. It is hard to look at a situation such as Jess and not wonder "why." So many prayed for healing for Jess, included dozens of children with their childlike faith, yet God did not answer with physical healing on this earth.

Yet we also know that God is so much bigger and wiser than us that He can take what we call a tragedy and turn it into good.  The God who can turn a cross into victory is certainly capable of redeeming even this. Maybe some day we will look back and see that Jess' death had a larger impact on the children and our church than her life had. But we don't know the answers now. The only way I have found peace to these unanswered questions is holding my hands up to God and say "Thy will be done."

But still it is hard. Ed is feeling so well now that we almost forget cancer sometimes, but some day we may be in the same grief as Jess' family.

Last week Ed was singing My Jesus, As Thou Wilt. (From my comments it may sounds as if Ed is super into music, but he claims he can hardly carry a tune--which isn't true. But Ed has a huge number of hymns in his memory and can usually recall one that applies to any situation.) I wasn't familiar with this hymn, but I've been thinking on these words a lot this week.

My Jesus, As Thou Wilt
by Benjamin Schmolck
Hymns of the Church #927

1. My Jesus, as Thou wilt! Oh, may Thy will be mine!
   Into Thy hand of love I would my all resign;
   Through sorrow, or through joy, conduct me as Thine own,
   And help me still to say, “My Lord, Thy will be done.”
2. My Jesus, as Thou wilt! Though seen through many a tear,
   Let not my star of hope grow dim or disappear;
   Since Thou on earth hast wept, and sorrowed oft alone,
   If I must weep with Thee, my Lord, Thy will be done.
3. My Jesus, as Thou wilt! All shall be well for me;
   Each changing future scene I gladly trust with Thee:
   Straight to my home above I travel calmly on,
   And sing, in life or death, “My Lord, Thy will be done.”
4. And here is the music if you'd like to listen.